It has been two years since Chris Cornell tragically chose to end his life. Chester Bennington of Linkin Park took his own life barely two months later. 

I was not the biggest fan of Linkin Park, but I did enjoy their music and found Chester to be a very talented singer who delved into the depths in his music. But I have been an avid fan of Soundgarden and Chris Cornell’s work since the late 1980’s when I first heard them.

I was never fortunate enough to have met either of these talented singers, but I always identified with their lyrics and their wonderful ability to delve into the darkest corners of their psyche, their souls, and to share this darkness and this beauty with all of us.

But I am much more concerned and disturbed by what I have heard described as a growing epidemic among middle-aged men – depression and suicide. For starters, let me state vehemently that this is not my suicide note! I have no intention of ending my life and do not believe as a Greek Orthodox Christian that suicide is ever a path to be chosen. (Ironically, Chris Cornell had converted to the Greek Orthodox faith.)

I am simply pointing out that Chester and Chris, apart from being famous rock singers, shared much common ground. And this common ground is familiar to me and countless others who may read this. The dark path of addiction plagued both of these men, and it is a path with which I am far too familiar. I can honestly say that I have been no stranger to darkness for the greater part of my life. I have lost close friends, my parents, and even the love of my life. I have been on the edge and know exactly what it feels like to question whether life is even worth living.

But the most disturbing aspect of this "epidemic" is that Chris Cornell and Chester Bennington were middle-aged men who had everything to live for. They were blessed not only with success and fortune that they obtained through their art and talent, but also with wives and children who loved them. This is when I begin to wonder. What makes me so different or any other middle-aged man in my position? I have people in my life who love me and children who I adore. They are everything to me. But what is it that keeps me from going off the edge? I do feel that darkness at times. What is causing this epidemic to spread and gain ground as it seems to be? Robin Williams was a little bit older, yet fits this dark, self-destructive sickness. This man brought joy and laughter to the countless people he entertained and was surrounded by a family who loved him. Yet he killed himself. And let's not forget Brad Delp, the singer from the band Boston, who ended his life in 2007. He too was middle-aged, depressed, and surrounded by family and children who loved him.

I wrote the precursor to this blog shortly after Chester Bennington’s suicide in the summer of 2017. In July of 2018, my coworker, Jason, made the tragic decision to become part of this growing epidemic. This sent a wave of shock and sadness throughout the company and all of the managers and drivers who had worked with him.

So what in the hell is going on? It simply cannot be argued that this is not an epidemic or is merely a coincidence. If we look at rock history and recall the great bands from the 60's and 70s, we find many drug and alcohol casualties from Jim Morrison to Jimi Hendrix to Keith Moon to John Bonham and so on. But when we look to the much more recent bands of the 90's on, there are arguably much more overdoses and suicides. It is beyond tragic to realize that almost every single band from the Seattle grunge explosion of the early 1990's has at least one band member who has died: Andy Wood of Mother Love Bone; Layne Staley and Mike Starr of Alice in Chains; Kurt Cobain of Nirvana; Chris Cornell of Soundgarden. And the list goes on and on of lesser known musicians whose lives came to an end in a tragic manner. It seems that Generation X is getting the X!

This needs to stop. This epidemic needs an antidote. I cannot deny that I find this all too frightening. I am just younger than Chris Cornell and plagued with dark memories and depths within me that are difficult to explain and impossible to understand. I have no plans to kill myself, but I am curious whether Chris and Chester had such plans. As I said, this is all too unsettling, and I pray this epidemic will end. No one should ever feel they are in the Abyss and can never find the light again. Please reach out if you find yourself at the edge. DO NOT GO OVER THE EDGE! There is no coming back.

I recently spoke to my cousin Jeff. I lived with him during the darkest chapter of my life after the love of my life died tragically. He explained to me that he was fearful that I might have decided to commit suicide due to the dark, depressing path I was travelling back then. He went on to tell me how happy he was that I had chosen to stay among the living. He explained that many people in his life had committed suicide. "The thing that people don't stop and realize," he told me, "is that you are permanently tormenting the people who love you when you kill yourself." He told me how concerned he had been and explained that if I had taken the self-destructive path, he and everyone else who loved me would be asking themselves for the rest of their lives, "Why did I fail him? George needed me and I wasn't there for him." This really hit home for me. If I end my life, my loved ones will be cast into their own personal Abyss. And I will be the devil who cast them into that darkness.

This is my reality when I think of people I have known who have gone over that edge and chosen suicide. I think of childhood friends and Jason from work. What more could I have said? What more could I have done for them? Why couldn’t I have stopped procrastinating and gotten my message from Arise From the Abyss out there much sooner? Maybe this could have helped them. I think of Jeff’s words and how I contemplated ending my life. The result would be this vile feeling deep down. The feeling of failure. The feeling that nothing we said or did was enough. No amount of love we gave could save them from drowning. These are the feelings that come to the surface now whenever I feel that blackest of depression begin to pull me into the recesses of the Abyss. How could I ever inflict this kind of burden, this kind of sorrow, on my daughters, who I love more than life itself?

As I said in Arise From the Abyss, there is a powerful stigma in society that I believe is preventing many people from reaching out for help. This stigma is tied to the silly belief that asking for help is a major sign of weakness, especially for men. Nothing could be further from the truth. Asking for help takes strength and courage. Asking for help or reaching out to talk to a counselor, therapist, or psychologist is often the best decision one can make. There is never a good reason to walk this painful and frightening journey alone. For starters, our depression feeds us the immensely destructive lie that we are all alone. When we open our eyes to others in the Abyss, we realize that we are connected to many others suffering very similar torments in their lives. We learn what psychologist Carl Jung described as the “collective unconscious.” This is a very real state of the shared experience of human beings. Others are suffering, and we are not alone, despite how alone we may feel. And reaching out for help offers us a vital channel to release the depressing burden we are carrying around with us. It is completely unnecessary for us to shoulder these depressingly heavy burdens by ourselves. Reaching out to family, to friends, to clergy, and to counselors may seem a daunting task until we actually carry through and engage. Feeling the release of the burden and gaining the firsthand knowledge that we are no longer alone is the greatest therapy in existence.